Much-needed break!

Things have been going at light-speed lately, or at least it feels that way. School has really been kicking my ass. I had midterms last week, which I did pretty well on, but I have another one next week for Spanish and I am so nervous about it. I am having the worst time in that class. I swear, it is the only class I have where I feel like an utter and complete moron. The second I walk in the classroom door, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack and every ounce of prior knowledge I had is just, gone in an instant. I hate it so, so, so much but there is just nothing I can do about it but suffer through it for an hour and a half twice a week. I am trying to just spend more time on it at night and hopefully I can get to a point where I feel more comfortable. In 2 weeks, it's spring break from school and I think all I am going to do is sit on the couch and watch HGTV & Criminal Minds.

We are finally going to get some quality time together this weekend! I am going to try my best to forget about school, about money stress, about being away from my family...and just enjoy my husband. I don't do that enough. I am going to turn off my cell phone, shut off my computer, and just sit with this great guy that I am lucky enough to be married to, and just enjoy him. I wish we could be gone a little longer, but I'll take what I can get.

I am feeling a little more settled down lately. Definitely not so antsy or crawling out of my skin like I was a few months ago, and that is a very good thing for me. I still want to get into some counseling though, because it seems like these feelings come and go and I can never predict when it's going to happen. Then, I start messing up my life again, and I just don't want to go through this cycle anymore.

On a happier/healthier note, I am really motivated to start running again lately! I want to get back into the routine of doing 3-4 miles a day. I know I can do it. I just have to get over the embarrassment of the first initial couple of months, where I am beet red in the face & gasping for air. It's cute...or not.

Time for bed, loves! I'm hoping to hit the road pretty early, so guess I had better get some sleep.

It's been a while. Again. I don't know how this always happens to me...I have the best of intentions, but the worst follow-through in the world. I am trying hard to work on this, however! Not only in this part of my life, but in all of it.

Lately, I've been feeling like I might just be growing up a little. Might be becoming the woman instead of clinging to that little girl, clinging to her because she's safe and I know her and she  is easy to come back to. There's a woman in there that's trying to come out, that's been waiting for me to realize she's there...and I think I might just be doing that.

I am finally getting close to finishing my degree. It seems like the longest road I've ever taken, but at the same time...I can't believe it's almost here! One more step in that whole growing up thing. Is it this hard for everyone? I think so. It seems like I'm not the only one, that everyone around me is trying to figure it out too. Making the same mistakes over & over until one day, finally, they realize they're doing it all wrong. Or maybe they're doing it just right. 

I went through some hard things a couple of months ago. Some really hard things, where I had to decide if being married is still what I wanted. If I wanted it hard enough to work for it more. To try for it more. I didn't even know if I could do more...but here we are. I didn't know if I wanted to give him the chance to fix things, or just walk away. And some days, I still have doubts and I still have uncertainties and I'm still not sure what the hell I'm doing here...but I'm getting there, a little more each day. And that counts for something, right? 

I have such a problem with guilt. I throw guilt on myself, always.  I hand guilt out to others, usually. I think guilt is one of the worst things you can do to yourself or to other people, and yet I can't seem to stop doing it. One of my friends said to me a few weeks back, to remember that unless you have really done something to feel guilty about...then stop. If you have, then apologize, make it right, and move on. But don't beat yourself up for something that is only in your head. Don't punish your partner or spouse for something that they probably don't even know they did. Guilt does nothing but poison your air and your home and your life and your heart. I'm trying hard to embrace who I am, including my faults and weaknesses and petty little things that I just can't stand about myself. Once I can do that, once that woman inside me realizes that even with all her faults, she's worth every second of her time and yours...then I can love others in my life the way they really deserve to be loved.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post. It's pretty random, like me. Going to try to check in a little more often, but I make no promises. 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -- Mary Oliver

I plan on making the most of it.  

Well, here I go again...a month later. I am just not good at this regularly blogging thing. Oh well!! Can't be fabulous at everything, although I can certainly try. 

I think I last posted before I went to Oregon, so I guess I'll start there! I actually had a pretty wonderful trip home, minus one little meltdown at my dad's birthday party. I don't know what happened with that, other than it was nearing the end of my trip, it was my first wedding anniversary and I wasn't with my husband, and my parent's house is just way too small and my family is just too loud with too many people in that tiny space. I basically ended up just running out of there about 45 minutes before the party was actually over. I was feeling so overwhelmed and anxious and I just couldn't take it. It has been happening to me infrequently for the last few years, usually only when we are having a big family function and I just start freaking out.

Anyways.

So the rest of the trip was a lot of fun. I got to spend alot of time with J, who is one of my best girlfriends in the world. We always have so much fun and I just love her to pieces. I didn't get to see E, which made me sad for sure! He is my favorite and can always make me smile no matter what. I did go to Multnomah Falls with J -- quite a hike when you haven't hiked  anywhere in about 2.5 years! That's the bad thing about Memphis...So flat! No hiking unless you drive 2 or 3 hours into Arkansas :( I did finally get to go to the beach in Oregon, though! My wonderful sister and I took the kids out there, and it was so nice to just hear the ocean and feel the breeze. It was AMAZING. I only wish my sweets could have been there! The baby looooved eating the sand, we couldn't get him to stop shoving it into his mouth when weren't looking - yikes! I have gotten to be there for both his and my sweet boy S' first times to the beach - I love it. I want to be the cool auntie :) I think I need to get some packages going for them in the mail!!

Something huge happened as well...that fabulous job I was going on about last time I wrote? Yep, not working for her anymore. Apparently, she decided that she didn't need me as an assistant after all. AFTER I quit my other job so I could work for her. Lovely, right? And above all that, she told me over a text message! Haha. Very smooth. Oh well, I guess that just means it wasn't meant to be and I will hopefully find something fabulous soon. I am not looking very hard until Dad is gone though. 

Speaking of which: My dad is going to be flying into Little Rock in two days! Woooohooo!! I am so so excited. It has been over a year since anyone has come out and visited us, and I am over the moon that it's my wonderful dad! I love him so much and I can't wait to show him all the awesome things Memphis has to offer. (It also has some terrible things going for it as well, but I won't focus on those!) Jon & I have been working hard on the guest room...well, mainly me but he has financed a lot of it :)  It is really taking shape and I am so proud! I painted the bookshelves in there today; white so they match the other shelf that's already on the wall. Nothing too crazy but it is looking good! 

Time for me to go check on the mice. Hopefully I can get off campus by 7:30! 

~A

so, my awesome friend erin who is really inspiring me to get my weight on track has inspired me in yet another way to get my butt back into blogging. can it really have been 6 months since i last posted anything? yikes. 

let me try to think of all the updates. 

i still have: 

awesome husband

cute dog

lots of schoolwork

volunteering

great family

nice friends

i have recently acquired:

FANTASTIC new job!!! i really do love it. i got a job as a personal assistant for a lady here in memphis, and she is really great. i get to do all the things my ever loving ocd heart could desire: planning, scheduling, making lists, crossing things off lists, running around like a crazy person, meeting new people, feeling really extra important for no reason at all :) doesn't that sound fabulous? it is!

i am, sadly, no further along in my weight loss than i was when i posted last. i have issues. lots of them. i just can't seem to do it. maybe it's my attitude? maybe it's that i make excuses for myself? maybe it's a lot of things. all i know is, i don't want to be this girl anymore. i was telling a friend today, about how i used to be an athlete, and that sometimes i just sit back and wonder where that girl went, and could she come back, please? i don't know. i just started my gym membership back up, so hopefully that will inspire me to be eating better as well. i will keep you all posted!

maybe. in six months. :) 

oooh, another update. my little baby sister is pregnant. i still can't believe it, really! i know she is 24, but...she's the baby. right? she can't be pregnant. can she?

so crazy. 

on another awesome, fantastic note: i am flying home on tuesday to see all my sweet nieces, nephews, and assorted other family and friends. i can't wait!! they are so amazing and i am really excited about it.

well, i feel better now that i updated. hopefully i can keep up with it and write again sooner rather than later.

place where i am going to be in just a few short days::

multnomah falls, in the beautiful state of oregon :)

blissful.

sometimes, all i can think about is how lucky i am. how blessed, and amazed, and truly humbled by the fact that i live the most incredible life. how just one act of cruelty by someone who never really cared about anyone but himself, could turn into the most amazing journey of my life. i try so hard not to hold on too tight, for fear i might accidentally crush the beautiful gift that has been given to me. i don't even want to breathe too hard sometimes, because i don't want things to change, to be different in any way at all, because they're so perfect just the way they are.

place where I want to be today: right where I am :) memphis!

October, how I love thee...

I am so ridiculously happy it's fall!! No, seriously. It's amazing. There is actually one very, very nice thing about not living in P-town during the October-March months...SUN!!! I have been checking their weather & comparing it to ours...10 day forecast for M-City= Sunny & amazing! 10 day forecast for P-Town...Ick, ick, and more ick. I mean, don't get me wrong: I do love foggy, rainy, cloudy days and I am a sweatshirt/flip-flops kinda girl. Forever. BUT, I have been getting pretty spoiled on the seriously amazing amount of sunnage we get here in the lovely state of TN! I think it will definitely be another adjustment when we move back to the great, gorgeous Northwest. You win some, you lose some!

So, I am 100% back on track with my eating. I am finally taking control, and it feels so good. Seriously, I am just trying to take it one day at a time, and I am tracking EVERYTHING in a notebook I bought expressly for my food/exercise log. I haven't done so well on the working out this week, but tomorrow I am definitely hitting the gym in the morning! Tomorrow morning is strength training at 8:30 and Zumba at 9:30, and I am psyched up for both! Then I am hopefully going to have time to get in the pool  & hot tub for a bit as a reward!! Another new change I am trying to implement: More water & MUCH less soda and coffee. The coffees I love are so expensive and have SO much sugar in them! I just need to cool it. Maybe once a week will be okay, but I don't even think it has been two days yet, so I just going to try to make it until next Wednesday without having one. And the soda? That is another one step at a time thing...I am going to have to tell my love that I very much appreciate his buying me a soda every day on the way home, but I no longer need to have that every day. (He is so good to me, btw!) 

I feel like with my finally trying to get my weight under control, maybe I can start to have some control in other areas of my life as well. For example, schoolwork!! I am trying hard to keep up with the studying. It is really hard to just sit down and actually STUDY in these types of lecture classes, because there are no actual assignments...Just come to class, take notes, study those for the test. Yikes! You have to have some serious motivation to really sit down and just study instead of goofing off on the million other things I could be doing online. 

Anyhow. Time to turn my brain off and watch some SVU. Hopefully I can get to sleep before 3am tonight!! Insomnia has not been my friend lately. 

Debbie Downer alert!!

I am not sure why I have been such a slacker lately with my bloggeration, but, I have. New goal: Fix it! 

Hmm, so what has been going on since I last updated...Not much. 

I have been extremely unmotivated with pretty much every aspect of my life, for some reason. I go through these phases occasionally, and then I have to seriously kick my own ass in order to get back out of them. Ass-Kicking: Commence!!


I am determined to start this week out brand-new. I am going to make a schedule of when I am going to work out, what I am eating for the day, and also when I am going to study. For some reason, I do a whole lot better when I have everything all written out & lined up. If I just try to wing it, I almost always fail. Failure is not an option this week, friends.

On my weight-loss goals, specifically: I want to lose about 50 pounds before Christmas. I think it is do-able, but I will NOT be able to have any more of these little lapses in motivation. I have really had such a hard time with it since moving to Memphis...in reality I have actually GAINED 30 lbs since we moved out here. How sad & disgusting is that. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and all I can think of is...Where did I go!? I just want to get back to where I felt happy, and healthy, and where it didn't completely get me out of breath to lean down and tie my shoes. 

Some days, I am so tired of being me.

Well, this post started out very optimistic, then did a serious dive down into Debbie-land, so I am going to end it on a positive note.


This week, I WILL: 

1) Go to all my classes & study as hard as I can for every test. I have an opportunity to do really, amazingly well at school. Don't blow it.

2) Work out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. No exceptions!

3) Walk Roxie all of the above days.


4) Be the best wife I can be. Try to get rid of as much moodiness, anxiety, and evil bitchiness as I can in every workout I have, so I can be as pleasant & supportive as he deserves.


5) Last, but definitely not least, I want to track everything I eat/drink this week, and see if it really makes a difference in how I feel I did. Anything helps!


And here's what you've all been waiting for...


Exotic destination I am dreaming about today: EGYPT!!