It's been a while. Again. I don't know how this always happens to me...I have the best of intentions, but the worst follow-through in the world. I am trying hard to work on this, however! Not only in this part of my life, but in all of it.

Lately, I've been feeling like I might just be growing up a little. Might be becoming the woman instead of clinging to that little girl, clinging to her because she's safe and I know her and she  is easy to come back to. There's a woman in there that's trying to come out, that's been waiting for me to realize she's there...and I think I might just be doing that.

I am finally getting close to finishing my degree. It seems like the longest road I've ever taken, but at the same time...I can't believe it's almost here! One more step in that whole growing up thing. Is it this hard for everyone? I think so. It seems like I'm not the only one, that everyone around me is trying to figure it out too. Making the same mistakes over & over until one day, finally, they realize they're doing it all wrong. Or maybe they're doing it just right. 

I went through some hard things a couple of months ago. Some really hard things, where I had to decide if being married is still what I wanted. If I wanted it hard enough to work for it more. To try for it more. I didn't even know if I could do more...but here we are. I didn't know if I wanted to give him the chance to fix things, or just walk away. And some days, I still have doubts and I still have uncertainties and I'm still not sure what the hell I'm doing here...but I'm getting there, a little more each day. And that counts for something, right? 

I have such a problem with guilt. I throw guilt on myself, always.  I hand guilt out to others, usually. I think guilt is one of the worst things you can do to yourself or to other people, and yet I can't seem to stop doing it. One of my friends said to me a few weeks back, to remember that unless you have really done something to feel guilty about...then stop. If you have, then apologize, make it right, and move on. But don't beat yourself up for something that is only in your head. Don't punish your partner or spouse for something that they probably don't even know they did. Guilt does nothing but poison your air and your home and your life and your heart. I'm trying hard to embrace who I am, including my faults and weaknesses and petty little things that I just can't stand about myself. Once I can do that, once that woman inside me realizes that even with all her faults, she's worth every second of her time and yours...then I can love others in my life the way they really deserve to be loved.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post. It's pretty random, like me. Going to try to check in a little more often, but I make no promises. 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -- Mary Oliver

I plan on making the most of it.